Amazing things are happening, Thank You Jesus! (He's my big homie. He understands my humor... probably doesn't like it tho... but one day at a time on the road to progress.)
I need a new car so I can get back to Bible Study. My church is the TRUTH!!!!! (Works for me.) I like churches where my Pastor is comfortable in sweat pants and he doesn't sugar coat things while telling me the truth about me. I want to be mad at him... but I also want him to be young enough for me to relate to and understand, yet old enough and wise enough to KNOW what he's talking about. If someone's going to be speaking to me, about me on a regular basis... that's what I look for. Finding a good church with a good Pastor is like choosing which hospital to give birth at and picking a doctor to deliver your baby. Believe me... I DO ALL SORTS OF RESEARCH ON THESE HOSPITALS... tours and all. My doctor is a winner... did my little yelp search on her... went to see her... I love her. She ain't the warmest, friendliest lady in the world... but she reminds me of an older, far more educated version of myself. I find her sarcasm comforting...lol. But see!!! That ain't for everybody... so before you jump into something... do the research.
Wish I had taken that advice before I thought I was about to marry my baby's sperm donor. Lol... but you can't win them all. Truth be told... I'm glad he's not around. Children can FEEL when you don't want them, or when you consider them a burden. TRUST ME... so I'd rather not have him involved if he choses not to be. Frankly, he doesn't deserve to be. No matter what happened between us, that has nothing to do with our son... No matter what was said, thrown, disliked, unappreciated... Seven didn't do it... and he shouldn't have to pay for it. No matter... He'll be fine. I also have this sick, deep routed feeling that this bastard will show up at the last minute, ready to claim his blessing... smh... it aint gonna work like that tho hun. I will never keep you from seeing your baby... but there are now rules and stipulations. You will not be in and out of his life... you will pay child support, on time... you WILL call him EVERY week, if not every day... from birth til he decides he doesn't want to talk to you anymore... you WILL be there for his graduations, his school dances, to give him fatherly advice, to explain matters of life from your perspective or just BEFUCKINGCAUSE!!! Even if you do it all through video chat. I don;'t give a damn... it's 2013... you can video chat from your iPhone... you have no excuses... maybe I'm extreme... but if you fail to do so... you can fuck off. For real... cause there are far better men in my life who WANT to be a proper father to this child. Hell... my ex boyfriend takes me to the doctor... and he's just doing that cause our friendship is REAL. He's not trying to get back with me or anything... Truth: he's got a way flyer chick now... (lol. smh... I shouldn't have let him go.)
I really wanted to say that the masses are stupid.
No way around it. They thrive on negativity and nonsense. I LOVE how whenever I'm in the media... it's to shine light on something ugly... or to make something ugly out of something misunderstood. I never get any recognition for the good things... just like everyone else. Mary J. Blige raises millions of dollars for charity but I NEVER see that in the news. EVER! I only hear bullshit, exaggerated rumors, and f*n lies!!! LIES THOUGH!!! People are cruel and disgusting. I'm not perfect... and I talk a lot of shit!!! But I never lie on anybody... I don't know why that's so offensive to me... but it is. I guess cause truths are already ugly enough... lol... and everybody had their truths... some just hide behind lies... oh.
I don't give a damn what anyone says tho... I'm a very expressive person. When I can't express myself in constructive ways that release my stress and worries and frustrations... I explode. Literally. And that's how the twitter incident happened. But they lied... I'm not mad at my dad for not taking care of me. The dude did PLENTY and DOES plenty for me financially over the years. I needed a better paying gig in NY so he made a single phone call and set up an interview. I wanted to work at Interscope years ago... so he set up an Internship... (I fucked that up tho... I didn't understand what an internship actually was... and I was NOT ready for that... by any means...) My dad's name was only mentioned during that rant because years ago... he told me that as smart as I am... as talented as I am... and as outgoing as I am... I would never have a problem having anything I want if I just finish school. (I have discipline and procrastination issues.) I believe he was right... what I didn't know... was that the government doesn't give a DAMN about you going to school and trying to make something of yourself. They give benefits to section 8 holders who do NOTHING. Who want NOTHING. Don't get me wrong... there are plenty of people who just need a little assistance from time to time (duh... like myself... cause shit gets rough) but the vast majority of the people I see, in my neighborhood... stay home all day and collect. I just don't think it's fair that BECAUSE I WORK and I'm in school... I'm last on the list to get some kind of assistance.
However, since my rant... found out that because I'm pregnant... I get bumped to the top of the list. I'm not gonna quit school... you all can just shove that bullshit where it came from. lol... My job is great... they're helping me tremendously! I work with a bunch of really really great people... doing something I love... that works with my school schedule. I can't really ask for more right now... except maybe a second one just like it. lol.
But to all the haters... I would love for you to know ALL the details you missed before you passed judgments an what not... but frankly... you don't deserve them. So... I will now get back to my art, my studies and great things I have ahead of me.
Sorry your lives are so boring and pitiful. I have too much damn fun with mine to be reading about some negative shit someone else may or may not be going through. I hope you get it together.
It's supposed to be a happy time in a woman's life: when she brings her first born into the world. At least... I thought so. I am happy... but I'm also deeply hurt, and really scared and incredibly ANNOYED at the people closest to me. I never really realized what poor choices I had made in choosing friends before. But... *shrugs* fuck it...
The father blocked my phone number cause he's not ready to be a father. He's in New York, still snorting coke and bar tending. Stacking up the thousand dollars he makes a week after the cocaine and weed taxes. Wasting money on eating out instead of cooking fresh food. He'll probably die at 45. (I don't mean to be evil but... it kinda comes with the scorned territory.)
My father is living his life somewhere. I'm over 18 so he's no longer obligated to help me out.
My mother's either slightly retarded, lazy in the brain, or just hard of hearing... but no matter what, she's no longer obligated either.
lol... "obligated"... fuck me. I thought parenting was for life. Lol... How do you just retire like, "oh well... she'll figure it out or she'll die." Are we in the wilderness though? ... no really? Are we...? I guess so... cause there sure is a whole lotta wild shit goin on in the world.
Like, I don't understand how you excrete fecal waste into your hand outside the club, WITH A DRESS ON, (and where are your panties) and throw it behind you like you're in the fucking chimpanzee exhibit at the Toronto Zoo. Then again, a study showed that those chimps who threw their feces were of higher brain function. They are the better communicators of the crew so maybe she's an english major, or communications major and someday she'll become a teacher. YAY! She'll be teaching our babies.
Anyway... I didn't know you could retire from parenting. Lol... That just never seemed like an option. I mean, all my friends parents are still parents unless they're dead or walking dead. (The walking dead in my world are junkies.)
I don't know that I could just retire. He's not even here yet and I love him like I can't describe.
I didn't even know that I could love someone I didn't even know so much. I don't even know why... but he's my favorite person in the whole world right now and I've only met him in my dreams. [Side note: he came to me in my sleep one night and told me to name him Seven... lol... no lie. I thought it was stupid too... until I looked up what it meant in the Bible.
I believe that what you allow people to call you, has a lot to do with who you are, and who you become. (For example:
name of Kendu, which is a name my father chose for himself, gives you the desire for success and financial accumulation and the confidence and drive to go after your ambitions, regardless of obstacles. Thinking revolves around business and ways of making money... An extremely independent and self-sufficient person, dislikes taking orders or advice from anyone.... Believes in speaking directly and to the point, so you are candid and abrupt. Many friendships are lost because of your directness. Those in close association complain that you are not inclined to observe and return acts of kindness, compassion, or affection. Would be a firm parent and your children would be well-disciplined, but you would find it difficult to get close to them and to show compassion and affection... and blah blah blah... That's my father to a fucking T! ...jerk... lol.) I only want my son to have a name that empowers him when it's called. Something positive!
I already knew that in Numerology the number 7 is like the number of spirituality... in fact "The 7 is spiritual, but not religious. In fact, the age-old questions of what life is all about, why am we here, who am we, and so forth, never reach the status of clichés, but are essential to the 7's life-experience, and unless he finds the answers he will not stop looking for them until he dies." In the Bible, the number 7 is "completion"... and also I believe it represents the presence of God... so with all that... I figured, "Why not?" I would want by child searching for something real... rather than chasing money. Ultimately... he's gonna do what he chooses to do. I can only do my best to guide him in the right direction.]
This is supposed to be a happy time... yet, I'm discovering that my "real" friends were "fake" friends and they just like to see me down, the men I thought were great ain't much of nothing I can't find coming out of any dog's behind everywhere, and I never noticed any of this before because I was always too intoxicated to care. Too numb. Waking up hurts, boy.
I think it's time to cut the grass again. I have to remember that others don't love like I do. It's funny cause whenever other people are wrong, they immediately point out your faults. I've been called mean, and nasty so much in the last week that it's actually funny. While it CAN be true at times... it's never a big deal to me... cause the other 75 percent (maybe even 80) of the time, I'm doing way more than I should for people who WOULDN'T do it for me. SO I'm done. I have retired from caring for anyone but me and my son...
smh... I'm lying. I can't even control it. I'll still feed hungry friends on my last dollar. smh... and I'm not gonna change. I'm just gonna change my surroundings. I gotta start kickin' it where smart people hang out. Anyone know where that is???
I think it's terrible that I have insurance... but because MY insurance is not the primary they will only pay 20 percent of the costs for the physical therapy that I need so I can walk like I did before this accident.
My head hangs low today because I'm feeling low. One little accident can severely fuck up the rest of your life. However, one little signature can sell your soul but make your stay here on earth ridiculously care free and somewhat more enjoyable financially.
With that said, Nicki Minaj now makes sense to me. I still can't stand the sell out ratchet-ideal spreading broad... but I get her. SMH.
So what the fuck am I supposed to do?
I can't work til I can walk... I can't walk til I can pay to do so... but wait... I can't pay til I can work... why can't I work again? Oh... cause I haven't finished school yet, which I'm still currently enrolled in full-time... and I can't work any jobs other than the ones where you need to be quick on your feet. Oh shit... almost forgot I don't have the ability to be quick on my feet right now... why is that again? Cause I need physical therapy that I can't afford until I get a job... ha... does your head hurt?
I've been fighting off some random sickness for like a week now... it's starting to making me angry... kinda like everything else after a while lol. My eyes hurt. That's how serious it is... Like my actual eyeballs ache.Along with every other part of my body! SMH.
I'm just checkin in. Tell me something new... please...