So I Was Thinkin About My Life...

11/01/2009 11:33:00 AMBriana Latrise

I was driving to the grocery store last night to do some shopping for dinner... (Which was: Shrimp scampi with basil and roma tomatoes, roasted red potatoes with green onions, steamed broccoli, and garlic cheese bread... all from scratch... I'm good.)
On my way to the store a random thought crossed my mind: How did I get like this?
"Like this" meaning: Why am I so "HARD"... (supposedly... or "gangsta" as my roommates say). I'm a very nice person. I always have been. However, the nicer people are on a daily, the harder they flip out when you cross them.

So I was reflecting, trying to figure out when the transition occurred. When I went from that sweet little tap dancing, painting, singing, poetic, "SAVE THE WORLD" little girl who wrote a letter to Clinton while he was in office asking for funding to plant more trees... to me now. I fire on grown men anticipating retaliation, I may or may not carry tools from time to time (lol), and I'm just angry a lot of the time. I'm cool when people leave me in my own world but as soon as they start messing with the order in my bubble I snap. And I'm always trynna scheme and hustle...

Then, it came to me. I'm middle class. Always have been... well until I was on my own. So, to me, that means I'm like an angry trailer park white kid. For real.

See, my mom was a single mom and we just barely made it to the middle class mark back when I was 12 cause she found a slightly better job. However, she still didn't make squat. SO.... that meant I couldn't get free lunch in school, and I had no damn lunch money... ever. I had no allowance, mom gave me money like a total of 8 times... seriously... I never made it to any of the school field trips, any dope events that cost more than 10$, rarely went to the movies or hung out with other kids cause my mom was like a weirdo nun who cursed a lot and popped antihistamines... we lived in a super lame area (Moreno Valley) where there was absolutely NOTHING to do if you weren't into sports, drugs or lighting things on fire. We couldn't afford the sports, or acting classes so I took to lighting things on fire first, then drugs cause they became free once I started getting "cute".

Doing drugs opened me up to "a whole new world" that was less fantastical than Disney but more perverted. So... I got angrier. And angrier and sadder and sadder watching all my peers die and or slip into the irreversible zombie state tweekers often smoke/snort themselves into. (FYI a tweeker is a methamphetamine addict who lives on the street... often by choice.) My tweeker ways are still apparent. Like, when I find out you stole from me and I show up at your house to collect... by myself like I'm the Hulk. Or how I refuse to leave until I get what I want or get beat like I;m the one who stole something... (which hasn't happened since 2004... let's keep it that way cause these days I'm so angry I forget to pray. I just might shoot you... with my camera of course... ...) Moving on: I black out. I just see red and I black. I don't care how big, how strong, how smart... none of that. Just give me what I want.

Where am I going with this?



I lost my train of thought. Completely...


*deep breath*

I'm... I'm gonna go meditate on a cigarette before I choke slam this little girl. Dammit... I thought I was making progress... but No. NO!

People... just rinse the dishes after you use them. It's not hard. IT'S NOT FUCKING HARD!!!!!!!

I think I'm going to lose it soon... seriously. I need help.

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5 Haterismz & Comments here

  1. Maybe those are all just excuses and I am this way cause it seemed cool at 13...


  2. hmm... I was the poor kid around a bunch of kids who had parents and money... I have a father... I see him on tv and in magazines more than in person and I talk to him even less than I see him... my mom can't stand to look at me... niggas just want to fuck me... people REFUSE to be about something much of the time... and those who choose to be something in life tend to look down on everyone else like that's just ok... and it's contagious cause I catch myself talkin about people who get on my nerves... the list goes on. I wanted my life to go a certain way and it went the opposite... I wanted family dinners and hugs and kisses and "how was your day" etc. None of that. Just empty house most of the time... I got issues that I never deal wit. I just burn stuff instead.

  3. wow....
    im the poor kid....(real poor)no1 knows who my father is...i dont want to put my mom out there in public..
    i dont talk to you just to fuck(never really crossed my mind)-_-(awkward)
    ive contained my drug habit to just weed..
    and i plan on doing something with my life!...
    like really at least 90 grand a yr(maybe more depending on the times)[until that islands ready]
    ...n i wont look down on nobody...
    n when im able to rlly take care of my self[if your still in the same boat your in now]ill DEF help you out big time(but you should be famous by then...n have forgotten all of us D=)
    and your too young for the dinner and hugs and kisses and "how was your day" wait till your 50 and have 2 adorable children... n ready to settle down and you and the father are able to support your kids the right way...

    but whenever you read this how was your day??... lol...

    n if u ever want to talk about any other issues im hear for you just email\aim me..

    [hope u feel a bit better]


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