The father blocked my phone number cause he's not ready to be a father. He's in New York, still snorting coke and bar tending. Stacking up the thousand dollars he makes a week after the cocaine and weed taxes. Wasting money on eating out instead of cooking fresh food. He'll probably die at 45. (I don't mean to be evil but... it kinda comes with the scorned territory.)
My father is living his life somewhere. I'm over 18 so he's no longer obligated to help me out.
My mother's either slightly retarded, lazy in the brain, or just hard of hearing... but no matter what, she's no longer obligated either.
lol... "obligated"... fuck me. I thought parenting was for life. Lol... How do you just retire like, "oh well... she'll figure it out or she'll die." Are we in the wilderness though? ... no really? Are we...? I guess so... cause there sure is a whole lotta wild shit goin on in the world.
Anyway... I didn't know you could retire from parenting. Lol... That just never seemed like an option. I mean, all my friends parents are still parents unless they're dead or walking dead. (The walking dead in my world are junkies.)
I don't know that I could just retire. He's not even here yet and I love him like I can't describe.
I didn't even know that I could love someone I didn't even know so much. I don't even know why... but he's my favorite person in the whole world right now and I've only met him in my dreams. [Side note: he came to me in my sleep one night and told me to name him Seven... lol... no lie. I thought it was stupid too... until I looked up what it meant in the Bible.
I believe that what you allow people to call you, has a lot to do with who you are, and who you become. (For example: name of Kendu, which is a name my father chose for himself, gives you the desire for success and financial accumulation and the confidence and drive to go after your ambitions, regardless of obstacles. Thinking revolves around business and ways of making money... An extremely independent and self-sufficient person, dislikes taking orders or advice from anyone.... Believes in speaking directly and to the point, so you are candid and abrupt. Many friendships are lost because of your directness. Those in close association complain that you are not inclined to observe and return acts of kindness, compassion, or affection. Would be a firm parent and your children would be well-disciplined, but you would find it difficult to get close to them and to show compassion and affection... and blah blah blah... That's my father to a fucking T! ...jerk... lol.) I only want my son to have a name that empowers him when it's called. Something positive!
I already knew that in Numerology the number 7 is like the number of spirituality... in fact "The 7 is spiritual, but not religious. In fact, the age-old questions of what life is all about, why am we here, who am we, and so forth, never reach the status of clichés, but are essential to the 7's life-experience, and unless he finds the answers he will not stop looking for them until he dies." In the Bible, the number 7 is "completion"... and also I believe it represents the presence of God... so with all that... I figured, "Why not?" I would want by child searching for something real... rather than chasing money. Ultimately... he's gonna do what he chooses to do. I can only do my best to guide him in the right direction.]
This is supposed to be a happy time... yet, I'm discovering that my "real" friends were "fake" friends and they just like to see me down, the men I thought were great ain't much of nothing I can't find coming out of any dog's behind everywhere, and I never noticed any of this before because I was always too intoxicated to care. Too numb. Waking up hurts, boy.
I think it's time to cut the grass again. I have to remember that others don't love like I do. It's funny cause whenever other people are wrong, they immediately point out your faults. I've been called mean, and nasty so much in the last week that it's actually funny. While it CAN be true at times... it's never a big deal to me... cause the other 75 percent (maybe even 80) of the time, I'm doing way more than I should for people who WOULDN'T do it for me. SO I'm done. I have retired from caring for anyone but me and my son...
smh... I'm lying. I can't even control it. I'll still feed hungry friends on my last dollar. smh... and I'm not gonna change. I'm just gonna change my surroundings. I gotta start kickin' it where smart people hang out. Anyone know where that is??? --->