Thursday, May 16, 2013

Pregnancy rants...

It's supposed to be a happy time in a woman's life: when she brings her first born into the world. At least... I thought so. I am happy... but I'm also deeply hurt, and really scared and incredibly ANNOYED at the people closest to me. I never really realized what poor choices I had made in choosing friends before. But... *shrugs* fuck it...
The father blocked my phone number cause he's not ready to be a father. He's in New York, still snorting coke and bar tending. Stacking up the thousand dollars he makes a week after the cocaine and weed taxes. Wasting money on eating out instead of cooking fresh food. He'll probably die at 45. (I don't mean to be evil but... it kinda comes with the scorned territory.)
My father is living his life somewhere. I'm over 18 so he's no longer obligated to help me out.
My mother's either slightly retarded, lazy in the brain, or just hard of hearing... but no matter what, she's no longer obligated either.
lol... "obligated"... fuck me. I thought parenting was for life. Lol... How do you just retire like, "oh well... she'll figure it out or she'll die." Are we in the wilderness though? ... no really? Are we...? I guess so... cause there sure is a whole lotta wild shit goin on in the world.
Like, I don't understand how you excrete fecal waste into your hand outside the club, WITH A DRESS ON, (and where are your panties) and throw it behind you like you're in the fucking chimpanzee exhibit at the Toronto Zoo. Then again, a study showed that those chimps who threw their feces were of higher brain function. They are the better communicators of the crew so maybe she's an english major, or communications major and someday she'll become a teacher. YAY! She'll be teaching our babies.
Anyway... I didn't know you could retire from parenting. Lol... That just never seemed like an option. I mean, all my friends parents are still parents unless they're dead or walking dead. (The walking dead in my world are junkies.)
I don't know that I could just retire. He's not even here yet and I love him like I can't describe.
I didn't even know that I could love someone I didn't even know so much. I don't even know why... but he's my favorite person in the whole world right now and I've only met him in my dreams. [Side note: he came to me in my sleep one night and told me to name him Seven... lol... no lie. I thought it was stupid too... until I looked up what it meant in the Bible.
I believe that what you allow people to call you, has a lot to do with who you are, and who you become. (For example: name of Kendu, which is a name my father chose for himself, gives you the desire for success and financial accumulation and the confidence and drive to go after your ambitions, regardless of obstacles. Thinking revolves around business and ways of making money... An extremely independent and self-sufficient person, dislikes taking orders or advice from anyone.... Believes in speaking directly and to the point, so you are candid and abrupt. Many friendships are lost because of your directness. Those in close association complain that you are not inclined to observe and return acts of kindness, compassion, or affection. Would be a firm parent and your children would be well-disciplined, but you would find it difficult to get close to them and to show compassion and affection... and blah blah blah... That's my father to a fucking T! ...jerk... lol.) I only want my son to have a name that empowers him when it's called. Something positive!
I already knew that in Numerology the number 7 is like the number of spirituality... in fact "The 7 is spiritual, but not religious. In fact, the age-old questions of what life is all about, why am we here, who am we, and so forth, never reach the status of clich├ęs, but are essential to the 7's life-experience, and unless he finds the answers he will not stop looking for them until he dies." In the Bible, the number 7 is "completion"... and also I believe it represents the presence of God... so with all that... I figured, "Why not?" I would want by child searching for something real... rather than chasing money. Ultimately... he's gonna do what he chooses to do. I can only do my best to guide him in the right direction.]
Moving on...
This is supposed to be a happy time... yet, I'm discovering that my "real" friends were "fake" friends and they just like to see me down, the men I thought were great ain't much of nothing I can't find coming out of any dog's behind everywhere, and I never noticed any of this before because I was always too intoxicated to care. Too numb. Waking up hurts, boy.
I think it's time to cut the grass again. I have to remember that others don't love like I do. It's funny cause whenever other people are wrong, they immediately point out your faults. I've been called mean, and nasty so much in the last week that it's actually funny. While it CAN be true at times... it's never a big deal to me... cause the other 75 percent (maybe even 80) of the time, I'm doing way more than I should for people who WOULDN'T do it for me. SO I'm done. I have retired from caring for anyone but me and my son...
smh... I'm lying. I can't even control it. I'll still feed hungry friends on my last dollar. smh... and I'm not gonna change. I'm just gonna change my surroundings. I gotta start kickin' it where smart people hang out. Anyone know where that is???

2 Haterismz & Comments here:

Vanity Guinness said...

Pooping in your hand, in a dress, in public, and tossing it to side? I wonder where she wiped her hand, or did she just walk around with a shitty hand?...she could have just slid down that post, pooped and left her hand out of it.. Maybe she had a shitty time at the club? Idk, but I digress..

I have yet to have my own pregnancy rant, but your is actually valid..

I read somewhere that we pick our parents before we are born.. Excuse me, I read it and laughed.. Parents can be the gift and the curse.. My parents were my parents until I was about 17..then I was my own parent.. and by 25 I was my parents parent.. and now they come for aid and help and look for me to take care of them..

My father the conspiracy theorist alcoholic, that always relpases into his addiction, but is wise beyond his years... That has a paraplegic alcoholic wife (who shot herself in the stomach attempting suicide, and failed..) that has made multiple attempts on his life, including breaking a glass bottle over his head less than a month after he had brain surgery for supposedly "falling in the shower", and wanting to engage in wife swapping.. I remember being a little girl.. my mom struggling, she couldn't afford a house phone.. My father who had his perfect family w/ his 1st wife and my 2 brothers would promise to come pick me up.. this 1 particular time I believed him.. I waited.. he didn't come at the time he said.. I went out side a few blocks from my house and asked a few people for change.. this 1 lady what outraged at the little black girl begging for change to get some candy(she never asked why I was asking for .25).. she followed me all the way home to tell my mom what I was doing.., my mom asked me why I was outside begging for money to buy candy when we had food in the house.. I replied I wasn't asking because I wanted candy.. I was asking so I could call my dad to make sure he was okay, because why else would he say he would come and not show up?..Imagine having to tell you 9 yr old the answer to that.. Those days of waiting for him on those steps became a regular thing.. Funny how those tables have turned though.. Did I really pick that for myself?

Most friends are seasonal.. they change as the season of life changes.. or maybe they remain the same but now have become useless and fall off.. Being sober and pregnant is your life changing.. they are no longer necessary.. your life is evovling into something greater.. your life is about to give birth to a new life.. it's a blessing to be able to recognize those fake friends now before they invade your new life with their bullshit.. Believe me once that baby boy is born your tolerance for bullshit with hit below -0.. In a world full of chaos, pain, heart ache, and barbarians that poop in their hands and throw it like chimpanzees.. he'll be that 1 thing that makes everything else irrlevant... All the tears, frustration, fear, indecisiveness, disappointments of life and what you've been through will be replaced with something else.. something that cant be described in words.. its greater than love.. and it will change the course of who you are, what you do, and how move through life.. It will give you a greater purpose... being pregnant is just the beginning.. Seven is an amazing name.. and you're an amazing woman.. you'll be good.. you made it this far right? I wish you well in your new journey.. I'm sure it will be filled with some phenomenal surprises..

Tuesday's Heart said...

Well Thank You.

I was taught that by my dad tho... that you choose your parents. I looked at him like he was retarded cause I thought the same thing. Not that I don't love them, or that they were the worst... cause they weren't... but I feel like I woulda chose the Hiltons or something. lol. KIDDING... I just think that your parents are just as seasonal as everyone else on your journey and they are your for reasons you cannot yet understand. I assume that the inquisitive spirit in me will not rest until all the pieces of this puzzle make sense... but I got plently of time to figure that out. Also, the closer I get to delivery... the less I care about other people. I KNOW that's probably selfish... but I give no damn. lol.... My son is the most important person in the world to me... and if ANYBODY... Jesus himself even... ANYBODY does anything to harm him, or disturb him during his forming years... GANGRENE nigga... u gettin cut off. Cause you don't pay my bills, you don't run shit around here (and even if you did...) YOU STILL GOTTA GO! (Damn... these rants@ I have soooooo much to say! All the time... about everything! lol....)

Thank You though for your comment.